I've been eating all kinds of berries, nuts, fruits, veggies, and extra lean meats. This week was meeting one with the nutritionist, which was all kinds of interesting (no sarcasm here, actually). She was very very nice and we talked for a very long time. I was worried going in that she was going to judge me for being fat. In my head, I had this appointment built up to something terrifying- picture me sitting on one side of a table with a heat lamp pointed at my head while she grilled me about my habits and told me how being fat was my fault. I could practically smell the dust burning on that God forsaken lightbulb. But no! She was so chill and even told me of her own struggles with Diet Soda. She made me feel human, and for the first time ever I am realizing that none of the doctors I'm meeting with see me as less-than.
This is how any/every doctors appointment usually goes:
- check in, while wondering if the receptionists are giggling at my incredibly obvious muffin top
- find a chair as far away from other patients as possible and hope that somehow my feet will actually reach the ground and my rolls won't be too obvious
- then we go back. the inevitable weighing. insert my selfconscious attempt at a joke and the nurse pretending to laugh while judging me
- see the doctor, where all health problems will be somehow related to my weight.
I remember being young and going to a doctors appointment for my PCOS symptoms (before I was diagnosed) and the doctor looking at me and saying "you are simply fat. that's your problem. and to get skinny all you have to do is stop putting so much IN HERE" (as he pointed to his open mouth). So my assumption is that doctors are always seeing me as weak, inferior, lazy, etc.
This experience so far has been amazing because I haven't once felt judged by a medical professional. I haven't felt judged at the support group meetings. I haven't felt judged by my family. And many of my friends are even supportive.
But I do have to talk about my fears here. I am worried that when the weight comes off, I won't be able to "hang" with the same people. We have made a habit of weekly get to gethers with foods I can no longer eat, wine that I shouldn't drink, and jokes about skinny bitches. I was even told this week that I wouldn't be allowed to hang out with them if I ended up looking like the chick on the front of Shape magazine. I was told I better not become one of those calorie counting crazies. I know they were mostly kidding, but I keep thinking that, ya know, a lot of truth is said in jest. I worry that when I get skinny, I won't be welcome there anymore. And I worry that even if that's not the case, I will feel akward not participating in the feast and either eat things I shouldn't and lots of them, or be really uncomfortable. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. But anyway, there it is.
Monday is my Psych Clearance. And then all I have left is blood work and the follow up appointments while we wait out the insurance wait period. I'm hoping the process goes much quicker than it feels like it will!
I can't help but think about how different things are going to be. Am I going to lose friends? Or at least be treated a bit different by them? How are strangers going to treat me differently? How will the port effect my sex life? Am I going to have the elephant skin folds everywhere? What is it going to feel like to walk in a body that's 80 pounds lighter?
I don't know the answer to any of that, but I know I can't wait to find out!
